2 months on

It was just two short months ago that our baby girl died.  Though I cry less, the weeping is deeper and longer.  And though the days are no longer a haze, each day is a concerted effort to face the children and pregnant women at work, in shopping centres and public spaces.

I want to be pregnant again, but I want my body to heal fully.  I want more children, but I am acutely aware that another child will not replace the one that I've lost.

It is painful today, 2 months on...

What Makes A Mother?

My darling friend Claire sent me this great poem.  I love it, and yes I cried when I read it - good tears though.  I hope it blesses other mothers...

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard him say,

"A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true."
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!" He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."

"Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say.."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My mummy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mum
who has so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mummy set me free."

"I miss My Mummy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you."

"So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start."

"Though some on earth may not realise
that you are a Mother until their time is done
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one."

*author unknown*

It's OK to cry

I have finished reading It's OK to cry. I found it so helpful in accepting my own emotions in dealing with the loss of Anna. I recommend it to anyone who is struggling with "infertility", "miscarriage" or loss of a baby.

One month

Sunday is one month since we met and lost Anna.  Though I feel quite emotional, I am choosing to spend this beautiful Spring weekend doing things in her memory.  

I finished her quilt this week.  Today I started a quilted wall-hanging in the same fabrics to hang in our living room.  We are also planting a rose and fairy-bells in terracotta pots, part of Anna's garden.  Anna's garden is a special place in our backyard which will be a small paved area with potted roses, fairy-bells, and a table with two chairs.  A place in the sun to retreat, relax and have a cup of tea.  We may even go to the crematorium and pick up her ashes this weekend.

It has been nice to have warm sunshine, put my favourite worship CDs on shuffle, sew and remember our gorgeous little girl.

Helpful Sacred Writings

There have been some Bible verses that have given David and I much solace in deep pain.  For example:

Luke 2:36-38 "There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, and then was a widow until she was eighty-four.  She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying.  Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem."

We believe our little Anna is like her name-sake.  She is up in Heaven encouraging all to worship the Lord, with all the joy her little heart can muster at seeing Jesus.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

This verse was sent to us by a friend when we were in hospital after the stillbirth.  We have certainly felt the comfort of God and we take this as a mandate to comfort others who also go through stillbirth, miscarriage abortion or loss of a baby.

Psalm 139:13-16 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  

When we held Anna we could see that at 16weeks gestation she was perfectly formed.  All her organs we formed.  She had eyelashes, fingernails, big blue eyes (the same colour as her daddy) and translucent skin so you could see her so perfectly.  We beheld the miracle of life at a stage that is hidden from most human eyes, and it was perfect.  God had knitted her together so perfectly, and he knew her so intimately that her life was planned out: 16 weeks here, eternity in Heaven.  Anna is His child, even more that she is ours and she her life had a plan and purpose like all of our does.  And she was perfect in that she never had the chance to sin or be sinned against, bless her!

Mark 10:13-16 "People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them.  When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."  And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."

Anna is even more precious to Jesus than to humanity, which is a blessing to us as her parents, as we know she is with Him now in Heaven.  And when people dismiss our loss, forget we are even parents, or think that because Anna didn't make it to 40 weeks she is not a valid child, we can rest in the assurance that Anna is precious to God and she has a lesson to teach all of us.

Revelation 7:9-17 "After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.  And they cried out in a loud voice: 

   "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb."  All the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures. They fell down on their faces before the throne and worshiped God,saying: 
   "Amen! Praise and glory and wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever.  Amen!"  

   Then one of the elders asked me, "These in white robes—who are they, and where did they come from?"

   I answered, "Sir, you know."

   And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore, they are before the throne of God and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them.  Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst.  The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat.  For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water.  And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

This vision of Heaven gives David and I hope: for today, for tomorrow and for eternity.  Anna is waiting in Heaven, and when we join her all the pain we feel now, and the tears we cry now, will be wiped away.  It gives us hope now, because the Lamb is our shepherd...

Psalm 23 "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.  He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

That is the epitome of expression for the comfort and healing the God brings David and I, now and always.

May these verses bless you in some way, as they have us.

new read

My friend posted me this great book to read that she said had helped her. It's called It's OK to cry . It is written by a Christian couple that have struggled with infertility and miscarriage. It written by both the husband and wife. It is their story, not a how-to manual. It is honest, vulnerable, permission-giving and helpful.

I recommend it to anyone else who has struggled with the loss of a baby, who has been unable to concieve, or knows someone who has and wants to understand their journey.

Anna Waddell

Our beautiful and most precious daughter Anna was stillborn on Thursday 13th August 2009. She was our long awaited firstborn. She was perfect in everyway and a delight to everyone who knew she was coming, especially her parents. Rest in peace in the loving arms of God my little one, until we meet again.

Up the Duff

Well, it's been a while since I posted anything, but I am delighted to announce I am "with child"!

I am about 7 weeks pregnant and am over all this morning sickness, bleeding, blood tests, doctor's visits and hospital emergency waiting rooms.

Never mind. Joy comes through hardship, does it not? :)